What do you guys think of the beginning of my short story? PART TWO?

Again this is far too staccato like. Short sentences can work and in some cases are very necessary but you have far too many and for me at least it doesn't work here because they interrupt the flow of the story. The words 'I' and 'she' are again used too often and this is because of the short sentences. Join some of the sentences together in an effort to cut down on the over use of those words. I still say keep writing because this is a good idea and practise does make perfect. Good luck with the story.